There’s a talk I’ve shared with loads of clients. Yeah, it’s a TED talk. And yeah, I know. We’re all SO OVER that.[1] Except this one’s really good.
So what is it and what’s it all about then? Well, it’s about happiness, and work, and how to be happier at work, and all that sort of stuff. But that’s not why I love it. I mean, it makes lots of good points and they all sound very sensible. And if Those In Charge followed his advice I genuinely think the world might be a better place.
In the meantime, back to me. And why I keep passing it on like a happy virus. It’s not just the core message about positive reframing. How changing the lens through which you see happiness can change your happiness. And work outcomes, and educational outcomes, and lots of other good stuff to boot.[2] It’s not even the bit about being an outlier. Which isn’t his main point, but does deeply resonate with me because I never feel like I fit. (And sort of never want to.[3])
Nope, it’s the bit about success. About how you perceive it. About how you own, reject or neglect it. And I do mean you, because it’s personal and specific. That’s what landed and has stayed with me.
Can’t be faffed to watch it yourself? Here’s a key bit:
“Every time your brain has a success, you just changed the goalpost of what success looked like. You got good grades, now you have to get better grades, you got into a good school and after you get into a better one, you got a good job, now you have to get a better job, you hit your sales target, we're going to change it. And if happiness is on the opposite side of success, your brain never gets there. We've pushed happiness over the cognitive horizon, as a society.”
“You just changed the goalpost.” Yep. That’s me. And that’s the bit that’s stayed with me. When things go really well, even massive things that have consumed huge amounts of time, energy, grit, intellect and (whisper it) talent, my instinct is to move instantly to the next. To shove “success” around the next corner.
Do you chase success?
Fear not, I won’t bombard you with a long list of my not-very-humble brags. But I will tell you that I very nearly came a cropper by ghosting every sought after success. My sister says: count your chickens before they’re hatched; or, at the very latest, as they hatch. But I'm disinclined to count them even after they’ve hatched. Every new client, every spark of clarity, every recommendation, every word of positive feedback, every thank you that should have been embraced and savoured and absorbed was… barely noticed. For clarity, all of that external validation did motivate me. Without it I might not have kept on. But I was chasing success, not being powered by it.
That changed for me. That line about moving the goalposts helped it to change. Along with some brilliant people who helped me to see things differently. Including one who made me send her the next piece of feedback I received so I’d have to pay attention to it. I'm so glad I did (thank you, Ali).
I’ve not had a Damascene conversion; I'm still prone to moving the goalposts. I still frequently feel I'm getting nowhere, or that it’s taking waaaaay too long. And when things go properly Pete Tong, I still want to take my shame and hide with it under the duvet. But it just happens, you know, less.
Thing is, this success dismissal schtick is everywhere. I work with brilliant people. In fact, by some extraordinary luck, I only work with brilliant people. My clients are bold, clever, talented, funny and articulate. They’ve had a huge amount of success. And, on an intellectual level, they know it. They can write it. They can say it. And yet. Remarkably often, they don’t feel it.
What’s going on there, then? Well, my hunch – and experience – is that successful people just expect to be successful. So when they’re successful it’s all ‘whatevs, move along’. And when questioned, they tell me:
I'm just doing my job.
Well, I’d be more worried if I wasn’t delivering!
It’s just what’s expected.
Yeah, it’s good – but it’s not like That Person Over There so, you see, it’s not actually that impressive.
Actually, YES, that was quite a coup. But… [insert your own disclaimer].
Etc.
And remember, these are smart people. They’re not under-confident, or under-performing, or under anything else. Apart, perhaps, from the cosh. But there’s still this disconnect. So when they’re successful it’s like there’s nothing to see. Also, they’re right. It probably would be more noticeable if they massively cocked up instead.[4]
But: why? Why should failure be more notable than success? I was going to answer my own question with: well, because it’s more dramatic, because it has consequences. (See? I'm prey to this nonsense too.) But success is dramatic. It, too, has consequences.
Success can be just as transformative as disaster. Sometimes more so. But we’re so busy chasing the next and the next and the next that we don’t really notice. I don’t mean we never raise a glass, or give ourselves a pat on the back. But that’s quickly done – and quickly over. I mean that we don’t pay attention to it. Look it up and down. Hang out in its folds and crevices. Give it a good sniff. In other words: get really, deeply curious about it.[5]
Why does owning your success matter?
Aaaanyway, back to the point: does any of this actually matter? YES. So much of our personal validation is external. Academic results, promotions, positive feedback, awards... Don’t get me wrong: those are all marvellous. I respond brilliantly to praise, and I’m awfully grateful for all and any that comes my way.
BUT
Unless you notice, unless you get curious, and unless you own your success you’ll never quite believe it. And if you don’t believe your success, then a) why should anyone else?[6] But also, b) you'll struggle to absorb that success. You won’t build up internal validation. And without that, it’s much harder to take strategic risks. Or privilege what really matters. Or go forward: boldly, calmly, happily, and as yourself.
Plus: it’s really bloody tiring.
And then there’s this, also from Shawn Achor:
“Your brain at positive performs significantly better than at negative, neutral or stressed. Your intelligence rises, your creativity rises, your energy levels rise. In fact, we've found that every single business outcome improves. Your brain at positive is 31% more productive than your brain at negative, neutral or stressed.”
Quite persuasive, no?
So how do you own your success?
Good question. How do you own yours? Do you own it? Have you always? See above – I haven’t. Probably why I bang on about it now. And why I feel so passionately about helping my clients own their success. Not to foster a bunch of bigheads, but rather the opposite. To empower them to be confidently who they are. And able to own all of who they are: the brilliance and the balls ups. Those are the kind of leaders I want to be around.
So I help them to get curious about their success. About all the aspects of it, all the bits of things that worked, all the fleeting moments of success within the colossal failures. And quite a lot of that we do together. But I also make them do something on their own: a success journal.
Success journaling? Bleugh!
I know. A Success Journal. 🤮 They hate it. And it has to include all the tiny successes, the barely noticeable steps forward, the things so inconsequential you’d eye-roll your eyes off if someone else claimed them. And the big stuff. And the bits in between. And… the whole job lot of it. Why sweat the small stuff? ‘Cos big steps forward are often forged by smaller ones. And even more often by nigh-on-invisible shuffling in roughly the right direction.
Some people find journaling super useful. So for them, this is just an extension of that. But for everyone else, we think about the different ways they could get the same result without brandishing a notebook entitled: Wot I Did Very Brilliantly ‘Cos I Am Very Excellent, Innit.
Some people find a regular chat with a partner or friend easier. Partly because there’s someone to help you do it, and partly you get to celebrate each other. So it feels less ick.
Fast Feedback can help hugely.[7] You get to say what you’d do differently, but you still have to notice what you did brilliantly. Plus it’s timely, which makes it so much easier to remember what happened.
Not for everyone, BUT: one client kept a note on their phone with precisely the title above. It was preposterous. It made us laugh uproariously. And that made it so much nicer and funnier and more appealing when it came to updating it.
Is journaling in whatever form the answer for everyone everywhere? Nope. Finding out what works for you is a nuanced business. It’s personal. It’s contextual. And it takes persistence: almost nothing is learned from a one-off wonder. Or changed. So get curious about whether you own your success. And about what you mean by that: both the success bit, and the ownership. Which successes are you happy to own? Which do you (inadvertently?) haze? How do you ensure you notice your success? How does it feel to pay attention to that success? Wonder, ponder, puzzle over… then tell me! As per: I’m nosey. And in the meantime, perhaps the 5 impertinent questions below will spark the odd idea.
Postscript
One last thing about that Shawn Achor talk. And why you should watch it even if you dismiss all of the above. It is really, properly funny. “Bobo married Amy the unicorn” is an excellent line. Albeit more so in context. Does laughing make learning more sticky? Who knows? (Presumably someone.) But it’s not a bad way to start.
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